Photo-Illustration: Vulture; Photos: Hemdale Home Video, Newmarket Films, HBO, Twentieth Century Fox
Sean Bean. Christopher Lee. Danny Trejo. Pedro Pascal. These are just a few of the actors who are associated with dying onscreen across film and television. But with a new death just added to his résumé in season two of The Last of Us, it is time for a new inductee to the club: Italian American actor Joe Pantoliano. In his six-decade career, Pantoliano — most known for his role as Cypher in The Matrix and as Ralph Cifaretto in The Sopranos (25ish-year-old spoiler alert: He dies in both) — has died many times, which, of course, beckons a ranking.
When I accepted this assignment, I knew Pantoliano had died a few times, but I was not prepared for the truth: He has died so many times and in so many ways that he has a devoted page with multiple categories on Cinemorgue, a Wikipedia for onscreen deaths. In the latest flashback episode of The Last of Us, fellow frequent corpse Pedro Pascal shoots Pantoliano. It is one of the few roles in which Pantoliano played an unquestionably morally good person.
The following ranking spans Pantoliano’s roles in film and television, including miniseries and made-for-TV movies. It breaks down the cause of death, explains whether the death was satisfying or sad, and generously provides an Italian scale to honor Pantoliano’s heritage (plus, he plays a lot of characters with very Italian names). Video games and animation roles did not count for this ranking, considering Pantoliano did not physically portray the act of dying, but it is important to note that his death count crosses a plethora of media.
From The Sopranos to Dexter: Original Sin to Tales From the Crypt to a bunch of films and television shows I promise you have never heard of, here are Joe Pantoliano’s deaths, ranked.
Cause of death: Split in half by a giant crocodile.
Sad or satisfying? Satisfying — Henderson helped create the super-crocs.
Italian scale: They don’t have crocodiles in Italy.
I say this with the benefit of recent experience: Joe Pantoliano getting eaten by a giant crocodile isn’t as exciting as it sounds.
Cause of death: Falling out of an ambulance after being beaten by Fatso Judson (Peter Boyle).
Sad or satisfying? Sad.
Italian scale: In the 1953 film of the same name, Private Angelo Maggio is played by Frank Sinatra.
This miniseries adaptation of the novel of the same name follows members of the U.S. Army infantry company. Pantoliano’s character, Angelo, was a soldier in the infantry, stationed in Hawaii in 1941. Clearly, Pantoliano was cast in this role before casting directors discovered his evil aura.
Cause of death: Hit by a car while being chased by Dexter.
Sad or satisfying? Not satisfying for Dexter Morgan, who wanted to serial kill him before the car got in the way.
Italian scale: One grandmother slice.
I did not know they brought Dexter back, but in retrospect, all of the subway ads I saw last year now make sense.
Cause of death: Shot off-screen during a shoot-out at a café.
Sad or satisfying? I wouldn’t know: I have not seen this movie — it’s not available on streaming, and I wasn’t about to spend $20-plus-shipping on a DVD — and got all my context from reading plot summaries, which do not offer emotional analysis.
Italian scale: What is the opposite of pasta?
This film opens with a shoot-out that results in the death of several characters. Then it flashes back to their lives before the incident and offers an alternative of what would happen to the characters if they survived the shooting. It is possible that this is one of the few Pantoliano characters who is not an awful human being, given that he is a victim in this one. Notably, this film co-stars Catherine O’Hara, who plays Pantoliano’s character’s wife on The Last of Us.
Cause of death: Explosion (during a shoot-out).
Sad or satisfying? Satisfying: Carl was a bully and a murderer.
Italian scale: Zero bowls of spaghetti.
Everything I know about Simon & Simon (and this particular episode guest starring Joe Pantoliano) came from a blog I found dedicated to Simon & Simon, a show I had never heard of until writing this ranking. There are so many worlds out there.
Cause of death: Explosion
Sad or satisfying? Satisfying: Pantoliano’s character in this alleged film is an international assassin who goes by the name “the Lion” and forces an FBI agent to kill his own wife. Not sure why the FBI agent did that, though.
Italian scale: ¼ teaspoon of Italian-wedding soup.
I am not convinced that Deadly Impact is a real movie.
Cause of death: Shot by Crater, a clone of Pluto Nash (Eddie Murphy).
Sad or satisfying? This is one of the few times a good Pantoliano character is killed.
Italian scale: This film does nothing to suggest that Italian culture survives the move from earth to the moon.
To say anything about The Adventures of Pluto Nash in addition to what has already been said about The Adventures of Pluto Nash would be showing too much respect to The Adventures of Pluto Nash and, therefore, disrespectful to cinema.
Cause of death: Accidentally shot by a machine gun during a shoot-out.
Sad or satisfying? Neutral.
Italian scale: Potato.
This film opens with men with amnesia trapped in a warehouse. They can’t remember why they’re there and why some of them are tied up or handcuffed. The film doesn’t offer much other than a rare Pantoliano moment of redemption: His character realizes he is one of the bad guys and uses the knowledge he can remember to help the good guys. Unfortunately, he dies in the crossfire of a shoot-out. So typical …
Cause of death: Shot.
Sad or satisfying? Neutral.
Italian scale: Not enough information.
After his arrest, Snake works with law enforcement to become an informant but ultimately sets them up. He is shot before he has the opportunity to do much. Snake does not get much screen time, but he has a lasting impact: He styles his hair in upward spikes with some pieces dyed hot pink.
Cause of death: Falling out of a helicopter.
Sad or satisfying? The only sad thing about this death is that the title of this film caused the 2012 song “On Top of the World,” by American rock band Imagine Dragons, to be stuck in my head for at least eight hours.
Italian scale: Tombstone pizza.
Joe Pantoliano finally flew too close to the sun: He starred in too many projects with an actor who was on ER (for more on that, please continue reading), resulting in an inevitable helicopter incident.
Cause of death: Shot in the head by Cleveland (Andre Braugher).
Sad or satisfying? It is sad that Andre Braugher is dead in real life, but it is satisfying that Andre Braugher shot Joe Pantoliano in a fictional movie.
Italian scale: He’s literally in the Mafia.
You know how Nicole Kidman will say yes to anything as long as she has to wear a wig? Joe Pantoliano is that, but for getting shot.
Cause of death: Stabbed by a scalpel during a fight with Highlander.
Sad or satisfying? Satisfying. He is not a regular doctor; he is an evil ER doctor killing his patients.
Italian scale: One big ol’ glass of Italian wine
In a scene in which Dr. Wilder gets a visit from a reporter who’s onto him, he wears aviator-style eyeglasses and an ivory wide-ribbed turtleneck with a cream cardigan. It is beautiful.
Cause of death: Shot.
Sad or satisfying? In this HBO film starring pre-ER Anthony Edwards, Pantoliano plays an author of western dime stories whose heroic act kills him. Luckily, he gets a satisfying and long pre-death monologue.
Italian scale: One can of beans.
HBO put the whole budget into Pantoliano’s wig.
Cause of death: Shot in the head by Joel (Pedro Pascal) after being bitten by a mushroom zombie.
Sad or satisfying? Yes.
Italian scale: Jeffrey Wright is the only Italian in this universe.
The only likable character this man has ever played.
Cause of death: Supernatural causes during sexual intercourse.
Sad or satisfying? Satisfying.
Italian scale: A dozen arancini balls.
I watched the entire episode, which is available on YouTube. Pantoliano plays a mustachioed preacher in the church of “limitless love” who wears an all-black suit. He leaves no arancini ball crumbs, as always.
Cause of death: Turned to stone after locking eyes with the decapitated head of Medusa (Uma Thurman) when he opens a fridge.
Sad or satisfying? Gabe is the abusive stepfather to the titular role, making it satisfying. I guess.
Italian scale: One pound gabagooooool.
Gabe’s death happens in a mid-credits scene, and he opens the fridge despite a note saying not to do that. I am no expert in the storage of Gorgon heads (who is?), but I feel strongly that a refrigerator in a New York City apartment is not the place.
Cause of death: There are several causes of death because Ulric receives the nine lives of a cat: shot in the head, drowned, hanged, car crash, electrocuted, crossbow, stabbed, suffocated after burying himself alive.
Sad or satisfying? Satisfying: Ulric, a magician, takes advantage of his power so much that it ends up killing him because he loses track of his lives.
Italian scale: Jared Leto in House of Gucci.
This performance is Pantoliano’s first of several deaths on a Home Box Office program.
Cause of death: Shot in the neck by a sniper.
Sad or satisfying? Sad. The character appeared in all four films in the franchise. While I have not seen most of them, Will Smith’s acting in the death scene suggested that he was quite upset about this.
Italian scale: Chris Pratt as Mario in The Super Mario Bros. Movie (2023).
Captain Conrad Howard went out the best way any character can go out in a movie: after a long monologue during a girls’ basketball game in Los Angeles while wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a branded Sony sunglasses strap.
Cause of death: Shot by Gina Gershon (playing Gina Gershon).
Sad or satisfying? It was a meta reference to Bound, so it is satisfying.
Italian scale: Five Joe Pantoliano, full-grown.
Sutton Stracke of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills also appears in this episode as Sutton Stracke of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.
Cause of death: Shot in the head (once again) by Leonard Shelby (Guy Pearce).
Sad or satisfying? Not sad and very satisfying (once again), which could be the title of a Radiohead song.
Italian scale: 12 Luigis.
If I had to explain this movie with a gun to my head, I would get shot in the head, too. Like many Pantoliano characters (Teddy or John G, or whatever his name actually was), he had it coming.
Cause of death: Shot in the chest with an electrical beam by Tank (Marcus Chong).
Sad or satisfying? Extremely satisfying. After one fancy dinner with Agent Smith, he betrayed his team. Can’t say I wouldn’t do the same, though …
Italian Scale: A slice of bread without olive oil and crushed black pepper.
In retrospect, Cypher is one of the most relatable characters in The Matrix franchise: For Cypher, real life is so intolerable that he murdered his friends to get back into the (titular) Matrix.
Cause of death: Shredded by a wood chipper.
Sad or satisfying? No, it is hilarious. He dives into the wood chipper, and his body comes out of it immediately like it’s a human-remains sprinkler. Years later, Fargo took an approach more rooted in reality.
Italian scale: One pot unsalted pasta water.
This phase of Pantoliano’s career was “Expendable Man in Cop Comedy.” If you have reading-comprehension skills, you’ll have already noted that Downtown is not the only film in this ranking starring Anthony Edwards.
Cause of death: Shot in the chest (many times) by Violet (Jennifer Tilly).
Sad or satisfying? Satisfying and funny. Are you sensing a pattern here?
Italian scale: 25 Marios dressed up as Ryan Atwood.
Caesar’s body lying in a pool of white paint is one of the most iconic shots from 1990s cinema. Caesar was killed by lesbians, making this scene one of the most iconic moments in Joe Pantoliano’s filmography and cinema history.
Cause of death: Beaten and strangled by Tony Soprano (James Gandolfini), who was driven mad over losing a pet horse (but he was probably going to do this anyway).
Sad or satisfying? No … but Pantoliano’s presence on the show did leave a hole. Ralphie was terrible but exciting, and his appearances always offered a useful culinary tip. The Giada de Laurentiis of The Sopranos, apologies to Carmella.
Italian scale: 70 Al Pacinos in the 1970s.
Ralphie died doing what he loved (agitating Tony Soprano) but before eating one of his favorite meals (scrambled eggs with a little bit of sour cream). I have seen this episode many times, but Ralphie’s strangulation is one of the most brutal murder scenes in television history, which is quite an accomplishment considering how awful the character is. Unrelated to the ranking, but I have added a dollop of Daisy to my scrambled eggs ever since I first watched The Sopranos in 2011, and it is a game changer, but I feel guilty every time because Ralphie, among many other crimes, beat an innocent Bada Bing stripper to death in a parking lot. RIP Ralph Cifaretto, you would have loved the sharks in Gladiator II.
This ranking is not over yet because I am as committed to the bit as Joe Pantoliano is to the act of dying. For this blog, I did something completely out of character: I made a spreadsheet. The spreadsheet allowed me to keep track of Joe Pantoliano death statistics, including causes of death, deaths on HBO, and medium. Below are the most notable observations and stats:
Deaths on an HBO program: Four (Tales From the Crypt, El Diablo, The Sopranos, The Last of Us). Once an HBO boy, always an HBO boy.
Most frequent cause of death: Shooting (Bound, The Matrix, The Last of Us, The Life Before This, A Better Way to Die, Memento, Running Scared, Chucky, El Diablo, The Adventures of Pluto Nash, Bad Boys for Life, Unknown, Tales From the Crypt). The only targets easier than Joe Pantoliano are stormtroopers. He is most frequently shot in the chest, followed by the head.
Shot by lesbians from Bound: The first time Pantoliano was shot by a lesbian from Bound was when Jennifer Tilly shot him in Bound. The second time a lesbian from Bound shot him, it was Gina Gershon in Chucky.
Death in a comedy starring ER’s Anthony Edwards: Two (El Diablo, Downtown). I am really hung up on this for some reason.*
*I am in the midst of an ER binge.
How evil are Joe Pantoliano characters who die? The easy answer is most of the time, but the accurate answer is that out of the 24 roles in this ranking, Pantoliano is evil in 20, neutral in one, and good in three. If a Pantoliano dies onscreen, there is an 83 percent chance the character is a bad guy.
How often does Joe Pantoliano die? There are 160 credits in Pantoliano’s filmography, and 25 on this list, which excludes animation and video-game roles (+4 Galex, Godzilla: The Series, The Simpsons, and Mob of the Dead, which makes the total 28), meaning Pantoliano dies in 17.5 percent of his roles, which sounds low, but he works a lot.
